Black millennials are a precarious group of individuals. We printed out MapQuest directions, had to type the 4 and 6 key on a phone five times to spell “going” when we texted our friends (on a Razr if we were lucky), and now we’re shouldering more loan debt than any generation before us.
The unique place in American society that Black millennials are situated in has absolutely impacted the way we love, receive love, and show love to ourselves.
This Valentine’s Day, many of us are unmarried, single (ready or not to mingle), and living through a pandemic that has further restricted the pursuit of love, though self love has risen to the top of a lot of discussions in the last couple of years.
When asked why self love is important to them, here’s what a few Black millennials had to say:
“It is important to love yourself because it lays the foundation of how everyone else will love you… what you will and won’t accept… and how you love others.”
“I think often we’re told ‘if you can’t love yourself then no one can really love you.’ This definitely holds some truth, but can be harmful when the motivation for loving yourself is only framed as a way to get someone else to love you. I believe it’s important to love yourself just because you are deserving of it. I am and will always be worthy of love. Nothing can change that.”
“[I] [j]ust heard a good sermon, so if I preach a little, excuse me… I look at loving others as a reflection of the love that God unconditionally shows us. If I don’t love myself, I am rejecting what He shows me.”
“Loving myself gives me this overall positive view of who I am. It allows me to fully accept, treat myself with kindness and respect, while nurturing my growth and well-being. This also helps with creating boundaries and healthy relationships with others where I am able to put my needs and feelings first.”
Our journey to loving and accepting ourselves is not always linear. The ’90s and early 2000s, while they hold greatly cherished memories (like Word Up! Magazine posters, and the “All That” theme song being a straight banger), held some very real, very anti-Black standards of beauty that our pre-pubescent and teenage selves were caught in the middle of.
Thickness, while celebrated in our community, was not what everyone was after (at the gym, or in surgical procedures). Things were different, and as I look around at the world we live in today, I can say I’m grateful I went to prom when I did, and that I, along with my peers, all have a story of learning to love something about ourselves that in 2003 would’ve been completely taboo
It’s a “never ending journey” as one Milennial put it. But there’s certainly hope.
What about romantic love?
How many podcasts episodes, kickback conversations, group chat debates have we all had or participated in about dating and relationships in the modern age?
I haven’t read or watched or listened to them all, so I won’t speak to their content, but the fact that all of these conversations (however repetitive) exist, says a lot about what we’re seeking–– an understanding of what the heck is going on.
When I watch “Living Single,” and one of Regine’s dates comes to scoop her up in their German-engineered car, they come to the door with flowers and introduce themselves to the entire household.
Is this even practice anymore? Do people want this anymore?
While there are plenty of examples of dating and love from some of our cherished Black sitcoms, can we actually imagine Sinclair on Tinder or Bumble?
Though her bio would be hilariously honest!
Times have changed, and it’s okay to figure out, as a generation, how we treat one another. It’s okay for people to change, too, and that change often includes, what?
SELF LOVE.
Here’s ten things some Black Millennials said they do to show themselves love:
(1) Saying positive daily affirmations
(2) Forgiving myself
(3) Knowing my self worth
(4) Valuing my feelings
(5) Holding myself accountable
(6) Making my happiness a priority
(7) Surrounding myself with people and things that help me be a better version of myself
(8) Setting boundaries that help create and maintain my peace and well-being
(9) Spending time with myself, enjoying my companionship
(10) Extending myself grace; monitoring my self talk
These might not all be doable on the one day we celebrate love, but it just gives an idea of how deep the work of working on yourself can go.
It’s not easy work, and many describe their journey to self love as “a work in progress.”
My self journey includes keeping a copy of my 7th grade school picture around as a reminder to love her in moments where I can’t find it for the me I am right now. I remember hating that picture so much that I wanted to tear them up.
While everyone was cutting out their photos to exchange with friends (to carry in their Kool-Aid jammer sewn purses, of course), I was ashamed of the fat rolls exposed in the harsh lighting and the awkwardness of not feeling comfortable in my body. It breaks my heart now, because I see so much beauty, uniqueness, creativity, and energy (and good knees!!!) that negative self talk overpowered so much and for so long.
So, to 7th grade Cherranda, I will say on this Valentine’s Day, “I love you, I see you. I am because you are.”
Cheers to love, Black love, self love, and Black self love!
Want to read more of Cherranda’s pieces? Check out her some more of her work here!
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