If you need someone to give you some tough love sprinkled with respect and compassion, look no further than David Johnson. David and I went to Brown University together and our friendship popped off from the moment we were assigned as Minority Peer Counselors (friendly RA combined with social justice warrior) on the same floor. And the rest is history!
Although David could definitely write, produce, and act in his own show, he graces the laboratory halls with his presence as a PhD candidate. I met David at a Starbucks on Long Island to talk about his perspective as a Black man in a very white graduate school, his hope for the youth, and of course, how he is advocating for this mental health.
This interview was recorded in July 2019 and has been edited for clarity and length.
Isabelle: Tell me a little bit about yourself.
David: I was born in Harlem, NY and my mom moved me to Upstate New York when I was in first grade to Greenwood Lake, NY. I was there until first grade all the way through high school and I think that was the first time that I was introduced to racism. So, I think elementary school and middle school was a little tough because I wasn’t around people who looked like me. I started having self-doubts about whether I was smart enough or handsome. I broke down and had to build myself back up with the help of my mom. And so, I was a little shy at first.
Isabelle: David, you were shy?
David: Yeah, a little bit. Then, I went to college, and then I started to find myself. I know that sounds dramatic as shit but it’s true. I gained more confidence. I still suffer from imposter syndrome but not to as a greater degree as before. I danced in college. I’ve always wanted to be an actor. In my second life, I’d probably want to be an actor. I already have the show in mind. It would be called “Awkward and Educated.” I’m a pretty straight forward person which can be viewed as abrasive. I’ve been learning how to be respectfully honest. I think being a Minority Peer Counselor during my time at Brown has really shaped who I am. It gave me the vernacular to deal with willfully ignorant people in a diplomatic manner.
Isabelle: How has the health in your community affected you mentally, emotionally, physically?
David: I guess we can talk about…Greenwood Lake, NY where I, unfortunately, grew up. Just joking! I think that some things that happened in Greenwood Lake, NY still play a role in how I view myself today and the doubts that I have in myself today. But, I think it’s when I went to Brown University that’s when I started to challenge the walls I would put up around me a lot of the time. It was just like night and day. The community at Brown University was a home away from home. Specifically, the Black community…I knew it was a home away from home because it was the most stressed I’ve ever been but still the happiest.
Now, in my PhD program, I count on one hand and that’s being generous…the number of Black scientists in my program. So, it’s completely different. It’s like being back in Greenwood Lake, NY. But, it seems like people are a lot more clever about making their indifference about the strife that people of color go through day in and day out. I’ve really had to…I still feel like I am consciously here and present but I know inside me I know I’m not fully happy. But, given that I was just in college, I can pinpoint that I am not okay and why am I not okay. My friends in New York City are my outlet. And, I also tried therapy…I did do that. My therapist was not the one for me.
But, my friend suggested…in a cheap way to be your own therapist…just open up a word document and start typing. So, I just started typing out my lows. So, that’s definitely helped. It allows me to look at how things changed. I think that I’m somewhat grateful that I have this opportunity to feel all the feels. I know a lot of the times…it was said in college that it gets worst the higher up that you go. The more higher up we go, the less that people look like us. Brown University was unrealistic in that sense. We had more people that looked like us there.
Isabelle: Yeah, I get you. You could kind of squint your eyes at Brown and pretend that you were at an HBCU…
David: Yes, here are all these buffers and now you have to leave the dream at the Van Wickle Gates. I think I am grateful that I am experiencing real-world things. I can feel all the feels and learn how to manage my emotions. One of my mentors suggested that I read the book “Unlearned.” Whenever I’m pissed, I go to the gym or I make myself busy so my mind is not on replay when all the negative things that are going on.
There are some days when I clock the fuck out. 1pm? I’m going! I remember around my birthday that I left for two days because I didn’t want to be there anymore. I came back recharged. So, I am learning different ways on how to cope with not being okay. It hasn’t gotten to the point of serious emotional and mental issues. But, I know that I’m not all the way okay.
Isabelle: And that’s okay…because nobody is 100% all of the time. How do you think being a Black man affects your health?
David: I feel like women, in general, are more upfront about their feelings. You will know when they are annoyed and you will know when they are happy. I grew up with Black women so I am more prone to be upfront. I’m not one to sit there and be “macho” and act like nothing is wrong because that literally gets you nowhere. Part of being an adult is managing your emotions. If you can’t manage your emotions, then you are just a toddler. From an outside perspective, so…I’m talking about non-Black people, they expect me to behave a certain way. They expect me to be more “macho” and more “hard” and I am not that. So, I think that…I’ve never belonged to that category anyway. So, I think they do get surprised when I do directly address my emotions.
But, being Black in a predominantly Black space definitely affects my health. So, I’m…semi-okay being a predominantly white space as long as there is a buffer of a Black community around me. It’s very uncomfortable being one of the only ones. You notice those differences immediately and then you have folks who say “I don’t see color.” So, then what do you see? I don’t know…a lot of times I have to build up walls around certain issues and certain things when I am in these spaces. The higher up you go in education…or wherever you want to go…it seems like you have to be careful about how you express your Blackness because you don’t want to seem too “radical” but at the same time, you need to remind people that you are Black and they are White and that the world interacts with us very differently. I definitely think that being Black in a predominantly White space affects my mental health. But, most of my best friends are Black women and they provide the buffer for me.
Isabelle: The road to getting a Ph.D. is long. How has this affected your mental health?
David: So, we can start with the positives. It’s been a very humbling experience but it’s taught me that I can do this. But, it’s so funny because when you are younger, it’s like you are in awe of a certain position and when you get there it’s like ….Okay, I can do this. But, the hardest part is getting into those spaces. Once you get there with the right support systems and the right friends, you will make it. I think that’s what I have learned from my Ph.D…with the right buffers, you’ll get there.
But, negatively…it’s not even the work that is affecting my mental health. It’s the environment in which I work that has been affecting me negatively. When you are in a predominantly white space where people are willfully ignorant and don’t understand you, that’s the worst part. I’m “okay” if you say that you are ignorant and admit this but there is a problem when you are complacent in racism because it doesn’t affect you. But, you have to work with these people and that’s what affects your mental health. But, I know that as I go up the ladder, there will just be more ignorant White people. You have to recognize that you are different and you will always be different and you have to find a way to be cordial. You don’t need to be best friends. It’s okay to be self-focused.
Isabelle: If you could go back to a little David in Greenwood Lake, what are the improvements that you would make to your community in terms of health?
David: When I’m talking about this, I’m talking specifically about Black people…your parents, your friends, your family. Just talk. I know we can be all about “tough love” but take time to talk. You need to be more vulnerable because you are just going to crack and blow into smithereens! For the Black community, make sure you are talking to each other…and not just when you need something from each other. Send a random text to your friend to say “How are you?” When somebody asks, “How are you doing?”…don’t say “I’m fine” if you really aren’t fine.
I gave a little talk to a bunch of Black middle school students. I said I wish I had known back in middle school it’s okay not to be okay. Once you get fucked up, you know…in middle school, that stuff travels. I hope that this generation has the vernacular to do the introspection early on. It starts with the children. Not to say that we are screwed as adults. But, if you don’t have the tools, you don’t have the tools. So, I hope that our generation finds the tools and we can pass it onto the next generation. That would be my hope for improved self-care and quality of health in our Black community.
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